要是我又回到了中文

我已良久未于部落格中使用中文书写，感觉有点陌生。

长话短说的话，现在的我并不快乐。

但何属喜，孰为乐？

我不想工作。可能这是一个很没用的人才会说的话。我自问不是个从不努力的人。

我有点努力够了，只想舒服些生活的阶段。

我这阶段大概来得有点过早。

我怎么总觉得怎么没休息够。考试也是很损伤心灵的事。我怎么不给自己领个三个月以上的假期？我绝对配得起这三个月的休息。

就算没有工作和读书，我根本没有休息。家里的琐事和应付吾爹的古怪日常需求我就快要疯了。于这种层面而言工作还能有收入。

另一个问题是，我怎喜爱退而求其次。

经济状况不好，失业率高是事实。我就被这同一个理由坑进不同的黑洞。

既然已经开了头，这一切已是不争的事实。我有点担心自己。

虽然我不认为自己的想法正面，大概我亦不愿承认是负面。感觉就是事实。

这九个月我是必须要熬过去的。除非我临阵窜逃。

心态上有点儿矛盾。很正面地鼓励自己，自觉一片谎言。倘若任由自己继续往下沉，仍旧改变不了度日如年之感。

心底话是觉得每件新事件都是学习。然而于我任何进展，勿论快慢，但求前进。我不觉得需要日日加班，周末回公司的死拼。

如果把事情想成只是为了自己，不是为了公司，自是平衡些。至少在这个时间点我晓得自己对加班不是心甘情愿。我厌倦于实践非自愿的事情。

老板肯定内心不悦。至于是否要屈服，我着实还未拿捏着结论。也许最后我就屈服了。

倘若我能撑完这九个月的光景，大概我也不会入行。或许这种想法实在言之过早。然字字从心，句句属坦。

New life, not necessarily better or worse

I enjoy today is Saturday. Though I have things to do for work.

I have to write a pupillage journal upon my master's request on daily basis. So yea I might not be free.

I am not free.

People in my firm could work from 9 am to 1 am, that is not uncommon.

So I believe legal profession can be a stressful profession. My law degree and CLP indeed serve me not much in this reality.

My pupillage journal is for the firm record, imagine how do I write it. Too personal, bad. Too professional, I do not know how to do that. Any complain, are you sure you wanna write it down?

Other pupil doesn't has to do it, because she is under another master. Honestly do I like doing it? Half half.

I feel my master concern and care about my progress. And it is for tracking purpose.

My sister told me I am too negative, and I thought if that is reality might as well be true about it. Life sucks. It doesn't mean it is giving up I guess. Even if it is, then what?

Don't ever talk about feelings with family members. It gonna be sucks.

I have 9 months to go for chambering, but even if that's done I still need to wait for 3 more months to be call for long call. Overall 1 year chambering I supposed.

Why can't you believe in yourself

Does it really matter if until the day you're dead, almost nobody find out about your blog? It never gets famous, it never affect much people, less than 5 of the world population.

Is it sad? Is it bad? Would you lost the interest to write?

I admit it is a defeating thought and fact.

Now I want you focus on the question. Why can't you believe in yourself? 

You may not want to start with this. It is going to be long mind battle. To keep compact, why should I believe in myself?

It is not like I am a scholarship holder or I did anything extraordinary in my life or contribute some unique stuff to the human kind.

I do not think many people ever highly value me. If ever I think they haven't know the real me. Or sooner later I am going to fail them fundamentally.

But this is never about anyone else. This is only about you. Do you like yourself? Do you like who you are?

You are talented. You belittle yourself unnecessarily. The world is not going to stop punching and smacking you, just because you are already being harsh to yourself.

Your academic achievement is something. Your hard work is something. You can write, not like expert level writer but you can. You are better than a lot of people. The point is not about defeating everyone but you can't denied you are still something, something which others are not.

You are comforting, you are a healer in some extent. You listen to people, you are understanding and non judgmental, at times you gave people hope and support. But if you wanna change things, you wanna be selfish, you are still worthwhile.

I am already so tired, when I write until here. I feel like I don't want to talk about it anymore, even if no one is listening. It is not a privacy thing. It is just that I feel that's enough, I can't go on anymore.

I am gonna be total frank about my feeling here. I feel that there is no point in talking about the possible virtues that I have. It is a cage for me. So this is me and if I don't preserve this traits good enough I lose it.

Personalities, sexuality, everything on this world is fluid and subject to changes. If  I need a reason to be worthwhile, I may as well never be worthwhile.

You have a point, there is always ways to defeat the point. There are so many perspectives to explain and continue your flow of thoughts. You do not need to go in there.

Be straight forward. If there is things you don't like about yourself, you can always change it. I know you are not a very persistent person. If you don't mind it bugs you all the same, it is still your choice how to live your life.

You have to be the one who values yourself, of every small achievements you made. Put others out of the equation.

You can either be right or wrong about something. If you do not believe in one thing, there is no point lying to yourself. You may not stay this way forever.

I may or may not be good. Fuck good really, you are excellent.

I can't write

I look at my laptop today, and I thought I am sorry. I haven't been making much use of you. I love the way the keyboard works. I love typing on my laptop keyboard and started writing.

I forgot the transition period from handwriting to keyboard typing. The days I used to manually insert papers full of my handwriting to an envelope and post it to the Newspaper publisher.

I am usually a person with a plan and I do not take much risk. It can be boring. However for writing I rarely plan things out in my mind. I never have a draft version for the script. Be it in an exam or any writing occurs in my life.

Some told me, your writing has no focus. Your writing isn't organised. The messages you're trying to deliver are vague and disorientated.

I never quite take it seriously. My tiny little fragile ego gets hurt easily and all it ever does is simply walk away.

What does writing mean to you? If you were to be honest with me.

I forgot how long has it been, I can confirm it's not lesser than a year, I couldn't write. I can still answer my exam papers. Other than that I can't write,

I could have sat in front of my laptop, starring at the screen for hours, nothing come out. 

I do not know how much I indeed value writing to myself. I do get that the frustration is great when I can't write at all. It is like I am disable now. Not everyone can understand that.

Then I asked, why you never treat writing seriously? Like you do not plan out the sequence, the paragraph, ways to stress your points, make your writing something strategic and rather presentable?

I thought I know the answer. That's the risk I am willing to take. The risk is minimal. I give my writing the control, to lead me to wherever it wants, to reveal things within and with out me.

Have I ever told you I have different personalities when I write using different language, such as Mandarin and English.

Again I have no idea where this writing would lead to. By writing this sentence, I do not know what would turn up next. Perhaps that's an adventure for me.

What I mean by I can't write is the feeling that nothing flow out of me naturally like it did before. Roughly it may acts like the world is still running on its own pace, you stopped and watched yourself stopped. There is another you watching yourself, but you can't do anything to that [ yourself] which simply freeze there.

I thought, why can't you believe in yourself?Serious stuff, really, WHY?

The thought that I can't write anymore paralyze me. I struggled then I gave up. I told myself to take a break. Now, I am trying again. 

Crap Car Insurance

First thing first, I am not every happy now. My car insurance agent is pretty much incompetent to me. Next year I won't be purchasing my insurance from him anymore.

It took forever for them to get the official police report for me then to find a workshop. Now after a week vacation at Sri Lanka they still failed to initiate the repair process for me, which is frustration.

I will have to take grab to work for April, imagine the extra cost I would have to incur for myself.

Move on from that, I just came back from a week trip from Sri Lanka. I only managed to visit Colombo. When I got home the weather is bad thus I had some difficult time on board. Anyway I reached home safely despite some vomiting in the airport toilet proven inevitable.

April gonna start working, not sure how I should feel about it. I guess it should be cool. Before a flight can fly on the sky it requires some warming up and speeding on the ground, now is exactly the speeding time on ground.

I have to take a few days rest before I can finally recover from the energy I lost during this trip.

I always have a feeling that do no depend on others to do your work, most of the time they screw up. The insurance thing totally ruin my mood. I try not to think about it since that's not gonna change things at all.

Let the pass die.If you must, kill it

How do I ever live with it? This life.

I know. You have shelter. You have family that care for you. You have some friends. You have a bright future ahead of you. You can be a lawyer, and life has so much more to offer. You are talented. You can be anything.

There are times I have this immerse hopelessness in me. It is like you are walking in the sea. Your mind at times can get cloudy. You lose focus way too soon. If there isn’t some form of excitement or fun that keep inside my mind, I do not find any strength to do anything productive. I just want to lie there and be dead. Another part of myself hate it so much, you cannot just not do anything.

I can’t deal with any religious thought for more than 10 seconds. I could have burn them all. Rational side of me told me to calm down and walk away whenever I can, do not cause a mess. You still need to live in this world. If you are dead tomorrow then doesn’t matter what you did today.

I wanted to deal with my EPF nomination and got two witnesses to attest my will, but I didn’t do it. It would cause such unnecessary big reaction of course.

You would think I didn’t try to help myself or allow others to help you. I in fact have no intention to debate with anyone of you.

Any minor thing in life could trigger something in me. I am so tired fighting all those feelings.

Everything I do or not do. Every step I take, at least someone would get affected. I hate it. It is all me. And if I screw up anything, someone must be there to deal with the mess. The only way to stop and break the routine is nonexistence.  How does someone just disappear on earth?

Except death, I could think of no other ways. Death is painful, most of those methods are painful. If I eventually got save, it is a crime to suicide. And insurance claims would all fail.

I have my good times which I am feeling not that bad. But I know it will fade soon enough. Everything is nothing but a void.

If anyone come asking me why you think it is a void? I wanted to say, what makes you think it is not. All the seemingly positive thoughts like we all have a purpose, even someone is being extremely rude to us it is because their purpose is to help us. I would smirk so hard hearing all that, but I wouldn’t tell anyone because if it works for you, who am I to crush all these things that mean the world to you.

By the way why is anyone business ever my problem? It is as if I do not have enough on my plate to deal with. People can die and no one care.

Whenever someone told me their problems and suffering, it causes me pain. Whenever I feel that I do not care it gives me a form of empowerment. I wanted to stick with that. But I should wear a mask in real life. Be cheer, be happy and funny and caring. This is what social life demand of us. I hate it so much.

Another thing I hate is that noisy environment including family, babies trigger my anger. My dad triggers my anger badly too. But I think loud music in a pub and lots of drinking wouldn’t. I simply wanted to lose myself, but I hate my mind is too clear. It may be dangerous, you have important things to do tomorrow, you might get into troubles.

Why is there still a reputation to hold on to? Because you still need to live this life.

There is no need for hope. Such a pathetic imaginary thing created by humans. Nothing in this life could ever excite me again, not the food. Not some movies I used to really like. Not reading, not writing, not anything anymore. Everything have already turned into ashes to me.

But if you may turn this cruel and selfish you into you, let the past die, tame your anger and use it for your own empowerment, then you may make this life great for you. This life would work out. You will require a lot of pretending, just like an actor, just like how great the acting skill you father had though he totally messed up, then you can own this life.

The next thing you need is do. Be brave and even you need to do it alone, you do it nonetheless. You do not approval or anything in your life, do everything just for yourself. There must still be something you want, even there is none, playing with something could be fun.

Remember, no judgement, plain fun and excitement.

Winnie, let the past die. If you must, kill it.

Nothing is quite certain yet

I am not sure is it harder to begin something, or is it harder to end something.

I wonder is there ever a moment of peace that I didn't think about how to live my life.

I wanted to push the thoughts from my past away. I thought distractions would have been nice.

Sexting came up as cool and fun, at first. But soon enough I found the void in it. Either I have to start having the sex or it is getting really boring.

Why sex? Because I have never try it before. For me now, trying new things are mostly what I want. But then this lady seems to has very busy schedule. One thing bug me truly is I actually wish to know her more, instead of just having sex with her, if ever that is happening.

It annoys me. So I crave human connection. But I wanted some carefree relationship since it is definitely easier and I have zero intention to wait for someone or something to happen instead. Life is too short for too many bullshit.

Sometimes I am not sure is it because of the old age or it's a personality thing, I thought my parents at time are so full of shit.

Off topic, back to me. Regardless what happen, I want it to always be back to me. I want to be as selfish as possible. I fail to explain myself right now.

This phrase of I do not need a perfect person. I just need you to be real came across my mind and I thought stupid! It is merely carefree and sexual and you wanna go there? What is wrong with you?

If you could understand me, all I feel now is, in order to be me, I am doing certain things that is not me. Where would it leads me, I am not so sure.

I had a job interview yesterday for this chambering student thing and I can't stop thinking about the mistakes I made during the interview and it annoys me. Hoping by writing this down it will all be over for good.